Shame on Shame

While reading Raising Cain (Kindlon, Thompson) this week, one phrase in particular struck me with a sad horrible shiver. Here is the passage: "The Hebrew sage Hillel advised that 'a person too anxious about being shamed cannot learn.'" I hate the concept of something so subtle making it impossible for someone to learn. [Let's face it: shame can be super slimy, masquerading as helpful criticism or truth...subtle, subtle, subtle.]

But we've all had that feeling where we couldn't succeed, maybe couldn't even focus on what we were doing, because of the rare brand of anxiety that only shame can cause. Shame causes red cheeks, slumped shoulders, and doubt. Shame always attacks confidence, optimism, and energy. With kids, you have to be careful how you give feedback. Many of you can relate to the almost out-of-body experience when words jump from your over-tired brain out your mouth and over the fence into shame territory. It's so easy to become annoyed when the kid who refuses to go to the bathroom all of a sudden has an accident or when the child who promised they wouldn't leave their favorite stuffed animal outside finds it drenched with last night's storm. But what dumb things to get upset about. Shame has its place in an adult mistake world sort of way but kids shouldn't have to feel that really. The authors in Raising Cain argue that boys experience "a steady diet of shame" in the elementary years as a result of their active, impulsive typically male natures which don't suit them well in a quiet classroom where order, sitting, and following directions are expected and rewarded.

I love boy energy. If you're interested in this book about boys you should also read Iron John by Robert Bly.